Cycle 3, day 10. I woke up today near tears contemplating getting through one more day of this. I think I scared my husband when I devolved into real tears and he decided to stay home long enough to join me for a walk. Poor guy.
In past cycles, I saw nearly daily improvement after the first week; this cycle, not so much. Yes, I’m no longer dehydrated, sleeping more or less ok, capable of a slow 30 minute walk, and now able to eat with real silverware, but the distance between those things and having a pleasant day seems like the Grand Canyon today. I feel like an absolute slug and have limited energy.
Add to this the fact that I’m now 10 pounds heavier than when I started this ordeal, to say nothing of the hard work that went into losing those pounds since the beginning of the year. I suppose that’s to be expected when you get limited exercise, eat like a toddler, and are getting steroids as part of your regular regimen. I’m uncomfortable in my own body anyway, and this doesn’t help. On a good day, I can tell myself that this too shall pass, that this is not the time to worry about my weight, to be grateful for any food I feel like eating or walking I’m capable of doing, but other days — like today — that only goes so far. I had plateaued at about 8 pounds up in the last cycle, but this one seems to have a mind of its own.
So I guess the rebound effect is cumulative, too, huh? Thanks cancer and chemo. Bottom line, I’m bored with myself and with my own misery, and trying hard to figure out how getting through a day can be made easier. I have limited patience for TV or reading, and don’t have the energy or immunity for a major outing, but I might venture to the co-op after my doctor’s appointment today just for a change of scenery. And I hope everyone will forgive the short posts; it’s really all I’ve got.